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Seminar on Gender Relationships in Marriage Dr. Leon James, Instructor
I'm Yours More and More The Unity Model of Marriage (version 1b)
This online book is still being written. Please note the version number you've read or printed out before, given that the document is still expanding. Please email me any mistakes, inconsistencies, or omissions that you notice.
Contents
Introduction:
Unity Through Differentiation and Reciprocity
Sensorimotor, Cognitive, and Affective Conjunction Behavioral Indicators of One's Relationship Model Instructions for Your Report 1: Gender
Unity--Annotated Bibliography
Introduction:
This seminar on gender relations will give you the opportunity to examine gender behavior in detail by identifying the sub-components of gender habits in the three domains of behavior: affective, cognitive, and sensorimotor.
The purpose of the course is to give you an opportunity to examine in detail the "unity model" of marriage proposed here, which focuses on the instructor's current research and thinking on marriage and gender relations. The model is influenced by the Writings of Swedenborg (1688-1772), in particular his book Conjugial Love (sometimes translated Marriage Love) (1768), available online: www.theheavenlydoctrines.org/static/d6295/1.htm
The overall model we will focus on is the idea that a man ad a woman can form a partnership in which they can become unified at all three levels of the threefold self--in sensory-motor behavior, in thinking, and in feeling. But there are barriers or resistance to overcome with each level of the unification or conjoining process. The first level of unity is sensory-motor and involves what the couple do together externally or socially and enjoy together. The second level is cognitive, involving how they each think and whether they agree in definitions and beliefs. The third and deepest level is affective, and it involves what they feel and what they are motivated to achieve, whether for instance, they are willing to make the partner the most important element in their life.
You will do an experiment and gather data on self-witnessing your gender relationships, or else, coach someone to do that on themselves, and have you analyze and report the data. Or else, you can gather the self-witnessing data on yourself but report it as if someone else did on themselves and gave you the data. The purpose of this exercise is for you to acquire self-witnessing and self-modification skills in the area of your gender behavior.
Note 1: Students who prefer it may focus on teaching to another person the self-witnessing and self-modification skills in the area of gender behavior. For privacy considerations students can write up their self-witnessing data as if they had some friend or other volunteer gather the data on themselves, and subsequently given the data to you, along with all necessary explanations. In this way readers of the report won't know who gathered the data for the report. You can then comment and analyze "their" data for your report. It is allowed to cover up identity information but it's not allowed to fake the data or make it up since this would be unethical and would mislead readers looking for real objective data on people's actual thoughts and feelings in their relationships.
Note 2: This is a research seminar focusing on a specific approach to defining gender relationship. It is not a survey of various theories and approaches on gender behavior. Dr. James is presenting a model based on 18th century writer E. Swedenborg (1688-1772). The articles in the Reading List include his articles as well as articles written by others who are interested in Swedenborg's Writings. Other articles include student reports on gender and driving, as well as student reports on the threefold self and the study of relationship through the analysis of talk (discourse), as in our textbook by Tannen.
Note 3: In class discussions and in your written reports, you are free to extend the model presented here to all types of relationships and friendships and to bring in other models that are not covered in these lecture notes or the Reading List.
Self-witnessing and the Threefold Self
Gender behavior in this course is defined along three interacting domains called "the individual's threefold self." The individual's "affective self" operates the feelings and motivations we maintain in dating or marriage relationships. The "cognitive self" operates the thinking and reasoning we do in these relationships. The individual's "sensorimotor self" operates the sensations, perceptions, and motor acts we perform in gender relationships. The category of "motor acts" includes overt verbal behavior (discourse, talk) and non-linguistic behaviors (expressions, appearance, style). Be very aware however that motor acts and talking occur not from themselves but from cognitive acts (our thinking and lifestyle philosophy). And these cognitive acts are responsive to our motivations, desires, and needs.
In other words, each of us is involved in gender relationships in which we operate along three interconnected levels of behavior. The deepest and most determinative is the affective operation in which we maintain selected motivations and desires in accordance with our primary needs and satisfactions. This affective level is the most determinative because it selects and guides the other two levels. The affective level guides and influences the direction of the cognitive level so that what we think or how we justify things, is selective or biased. We entertain a way of thinking that will support and promote our motivations. Note well this principle: our cognitive behavior adjusts itself to support our affective behavior. The affective and the cognitive levels together select and determine the overt sensorimotor behavior of our actions, appearances, words, and styles. What we do and say (=overt gender behavior) is the result of what we think, which is the result of how we feel (what motivates us).
Note that we are often more aware of what we think than how we feel (or what motivates us). In gender relationships, women tend to be more aware of their feelings and motivations than men are aware of their own feelings and motivations. This is because women are more motivated to spend time and focus figuring this out. Women tend also to be more aware of their partner's feelings and motivations than the men are of their own feelings and motivations or of the woman's. However this does not mean that men have less feelings than women, as it is sometimes misrepresented in gender stereotyped thinking. Note well this principle: Both men and women have the same amount of feelings and emotions. This fact can be observed when you analyze how men behave and react to things moment by moment--with surprise, or with anger, or being pleased or displeased, feeling like talking or feeling like keeping quiet, being in a good mood or bad, getting excited when telling a story, picking a fight, feeling resentful, liking something, appreciating something, feeling happy about something, etc. These observations prove that men equally with women have feelings and react with emotions all the time.
Emotional reactions and feeling motivations are a necessary part of all thinking and acting. It is not possible to act and react in a conversation or interaction without feelings and motivations being present all the time. Nevertheless there are differences between men and women as to how aware or conscious they are of their own feelings and emotions from moment to moment, or of the emotions of the partner. Women tend to specialize in becoming aware of feelings and emotions of their partner. They are motivated to practice more than men in focusing consciously on feelings in gender relationships. This difference in the skill of gender perceptiveness between a man and a woman creates an active gender dynamic in which the woman is motivated to prod her man to become more aware of his and her feelings and motivations. The man tends to resist this "affective prodding" and finds it unpleasant and objectionable. This creates a constant strain on the developing relationship. The woman feels that the man doesn't want to "commit," so that he is hiding and resisting their growth into a couple that achieves unity through reciprocity rather than remaining a couple with divisions and conflicts forever.
Self-witnessing one's threefold-self is a method of examining the micro-descriptions of gender interactions. Both men and women can gain understanding of the initial oppositeness between the sexes--women striving to conjoin, men resisting the process. The analysis of talk reveals this relationship dynamic between men and women, as exemplified in the studies reported in our textbook by Tannen. Analyzing verbal interactions between gender partners is a powerful method for bringing out the differences between how men and women use talk to either oppose each other or to gain deeper intimacy and mutual support.
The individual's threefold self in gender relationships is a joint product of biology, culture, and socialization. As children we acquire the relationship style of our parents, other adults, and the media (TV, movies, magazines, cartoons, commercials). By the time we begin gender relationships in our teens or adolescence we have been exposed to years of stereotyped and sexist gender behaviors in all three domains: (a) exploitative feelings towards the "opposite" sex (affective self), (b) sexist thoughts that stereotype the other gender (cognitive self), and (c) injurious or hostile actions and words against the partner (sensorimotor self). These affective, cognitive, and sensorimotor patterns of gender behavior create an atmosphere of discord and conflict even as the partners strive to love each other and become a functioning and satisfying unit.
Three Levels of Unity in the Marriage Relationship
Research confirms that most couples report experiencing oppositional or negative feelings and acting upon them by exploiting, abusing, or injuring their partner. Physical and mental abuse is practiced by men far more than by women in the majority of societies and cultures. When people reason under the influence of exploitative motivations, they tend to misinterpret the intentions of their partner and tend to use stereotyped, inaccurate, and prejudiced thinking. Our verbal behavior will reflect this style of biased thinking. So will our actions.
There is an advantage in gaining control over our gender behavior in the three domains--affective, cognitive, and sensorimotor. We can avoid those cultural and psychological traits and habits that interfere with adaptive, successful long term gender relationships. The benefits of a stable successful long term gender partnership are extremely attractive. We will explore a particular principle in gender relationship called the conjoint self.
According to this model the perfection of unity in a gender partnership increases through differentiation and reciprocity of behavior in the threefold self of the two partners.
In other words, there are developmental levels of unity that gender partners can achieve or go through with each other. These levels of unity are ordered from external to more and more interior unity. For instance, an external level of unity between marital partners involves their sensorimotor self. They like and enjoy to do things together like dancing, touching each other, partying, camping, watching movies, eating out, driving, talking about their favorite topics, and so on. Note that these overt "external" activities involve sensory and motor interactions with each other (including verbal of course, which is an overt motor habit).
Note that these joint external activities do not necessarily mean that the two partners are in agreement with each other's way of thinking, each other's attitudes, or feelings and motivations. The cognitive and affective self of each partner may not be in agreement, and they may even be competitive or hostile to the other. What is on the inside that is not visible (affective and cognitive self) may be in opposition and even hatred against the partner, while what shows on the outside--sensory-motor activity, may appear harmonious and compatible -- except when there is an overt fight and then the partners show their anger, resentment, and disrespect for one other. Afterwards they make up, and the cognitive disrespect and affective hatred recede again into the underlying invisible state, lurking there, until the next fight at which time the abuse and disrespect come out again.
There is therefore a first level of the conjoint self, and this is external, involving sensorimotor coordination and joint achievement without necessarily there being an interior agreement and respect for the partner. Women, more than men, tend to experience this external phase of the relationship as unsatisfactory, painful, and injurious. Women often have to bond with other women to support and reassure each other during this phase of disharmony with their husband or partner.
Men tend to bond with other men by complaining about their women and speaking about them with disrespect. They also keep secrets from their women and do things they want to hide from them in order to obtain sexual favors, which is therefore a method of exploiting women and dehumanizing them. At this external level of unity, men feel more comfortable than women because they exercise more control in the relationship. Men tend to resist closer more intimate relationship phases in order to maintain their cognitive and affective independence. A man ordinarily dislikes giving up independence in his thinking and feeling while a woman is motivated to conjoin her thinking and feeling with her man. A woman strives to achieve mutual and reciprocal dependence while a man strives to retain independence. This creates a conflict dynamic between them, especially in the first level of unity which is external, involving the sensorimotor self only.
The second level of unity is deeper in that it involves the cognitive self of the two partners. This includes how they think, how they reason, how they justify things, what they consider acceptable or unacceptable, what information or knowledge they have, what philosophy of life and religion. These cognitive behaviors and habits are more resistant to mutual adaptation and reciprocity in the relationship. In other words a man and a woman can be married for years and yet maintain contradictory attitudes, beliefs, and judgments. The external sensorimotor level of unity (level 1) does not necessarily lead to a more interior unity of thinking and reasoning (cognitive habits). Yet many couples achieve cognitive level unity by joint involvement in running a home and raising children together. They see 'eye to eye' on many things and enrich each other's thinking process by mutual stimulation and admiration. When a man and a woman achieve this second level unity, they can love each other more deeply and the relationship continues to grow and become more satisfying and enriching.
The third level which is the deepest level of unity, is achieved through the operation of the affective self which includes motivations, needs, feelings, and desires. Two partners who love each other at this inmost level (affective), feel the desire and motive to protect, support and promote each other's feelings, wishes, and needs. Feelings of competition and conflict gradually disappear. The man acquires "androgynous" traits so that he is able to reciprocate the woman's feelings, emotions, and desires. He is no longer threatened by mutual dependence but feels rewarded by it and enriched. The woman, attached to such a new man, no longer feels threatened or insecure and is able to let go and be who she really wants to be, and needs to be, in order to feel fulfilled and free. A woman feels most free when she is in a perfect unity with a man.
Note that there are many other models of gender relationship which will not be reviewed in this course. Our objective will not be to survey these other models, but only to focus on examining the model of unity discussed in the Readings and in class discussions.
You will be publishing three reports this semester as part of your contribution to the generational curriculum on gender psychology. Dr. James has noted that thousands of people who navigate the Web find these student reports through Web search engines when they are looking for topics on relationships. Your report will contribute first, to yourself in improving your relationship awareness and skills. Second, it will be a contribution for future students who will be reading your reports, and third, for the public at large looking for factual data and interpretation. Your research, observations, and conclusions will be beneficial to others who will read your reports in the ensuing years. Long after you're no longer a student, your gender psychology reports will still be serving the public.
Note on Privacy: Students can use a pseudonym on their reports instead of their real name. Students who publish their reports on the Web can delete their reports after being graded. They can also request to have their reports deleted from the Web after the semester at any time in the future by emailing Dr. James. Usually the request is honored on the same day it is received. Students can also submit their reports in typing privately to the instructor instead of publishing them on the Web. This will not affect their grade.
Unity Through Reciprocity and Differentiation
There are two principles in this model of "conjugial love" described by Emanuel Swedenborg (1688-172). · First Principle--Differentiation: No part of a woman is like any part of a man and vice versa. · Second Principle--Reciprocity: The perfection of unity increases with the diversity of its composing elements. According to the first principle of marital unification the threefold self of men and women are biologically and spiritually different. This is maximum or total differentiation or diversity. According to the second principle of marital unification, the diversity becomes unified through reciprocity by which the traits of a woman can harmonize or fit together with the traits of a man.
Here are some illustrations of these two principles acting together. Consider where we are familiar with unity through differentiation and reciprocity. At the physical level we can see how a bolt, nut, and washer work together structurally to achieve a tight grip on some object. The form of the nut must fit exactly the form of the bolt. The bolt is different in form from the nut, and it is the particular way they are different that makes them work together, reciprocally. They would not work together as a unit if there was no differentiation and reciprocity between them. Consider the same principle operating in other functionally related objects like a hammer and nail, or like a purse and its strap, or a fork and knife, or glove and hand, show and foot, etc. When you dance, your partner must make the reciprocal steps -- not the same steps, as you are making, or else you step on each other. In a four-part harmony with men and women, in a quartet or other choir, the singers are differentiated into soprano, alto, tenor, and base. This differentiation is combined into a unity when they sing reciprocally according to the arrangement prescribed for each part. The result is a harmony that is rich and attractive but which cannot be achieved in any other way.
In the sensorimotor domain of gender interactions we can see how a woman's body is differentiated from a man's body, and how the parts of the man are shaped to fit the parts of the woman. No doubt this is the analogy upon which electrical objects are designated, as for instance the wall receptacle is called the female and the plug is called the male. They act together to form a unit through differentiation and reciprocity of physical form or shape. When you consider sports teams, government departments, or armies, you notice a similar reciprocity of different role behaviors, so that they can achieve joint action, unity, or several acting as one. In fact throughout nature, and even the universe, you will find a unified whole made of differentiated parts acting in synergy. It makes sense therefore to have a model of gender unity that is based on the two acting as one through differentiation and reciprocity.
A well known symbolic representation of sensorimotor unity is the familiar Ying/Yang emblem. According to ancient
tradition, it "demonstrates the perfectly balanced interchange of
the two dynamically opposed forces of the Universe, the dot represents
integration." In Tai Chi and I Ching traditions, the white area of the
emblem represents heaven, the dark area earth and the curvy line between them
represents the Law or reality. In Feng Shui the Yin/Yang represents the
integration of Female/Male duality: "Yin and Yang are dependent opposites
that must always be in balance." And: "It is a duality that cannot
exist without both parts." (See for example this Web site:
In other words, it is the differentiation that makes the unity out of reciprocity. The man and the woman as a couple can be totally integrated, or form a unity, because they are completely different but in a way that is reciprocal. Nothing of the male can be like anything of the female (diagram shows all white vs. all black for the two). But they curve around into each other, in a perfect fit of reciprocal union, the perfect circle. This is the principle of "synergy" which is defined as "combined action or operation." It comes from the Greek "synergos" or working together. In business "synergism" refers to "a mutually advantageous conjunction or compatibility of distinct business participants or elements (as resources or efforts)" (Merriam-Webster Online). The principle of synergy operates universally where separate elements interact to produce a joint goal. Synergy is obvious in the physical body where thousands of separate and differentiated parts work together to produce the functions of a normal human body.
Society is viewed as made of separate and unique family units forming themselves into a community and abiding by mutual norms, laws, and expectations. The same reasoning applies to the marriage relationship which society officially sanctions and licenses. Society recognizes that a married couple forms a new unit that acts together for common goals and are united by positive feelings and loyalties. Married couples who live according to the unity model represent the most perfect unit or a "one" that a man and a woman can form together. Affective unity is the most essential, and it influences the cognitive and sensorimotor unity that is possible for that couple. Unity is achieved through the synergy of the threefold self of each partner acting together. There is no independence in any area or under any circumstance. Even when the two are in physically different locations (e.g., at home vs. at work) they remain united because each partner acts and thinks when alone as if the other were present.
A different approach is that of "equity model" in gender relationships. We are not going to review this approach in a systematic way but the idea is transmitted in our socialization process and is part of our culture so that everyone has norms of equity in gender relationships. This is a good thing in public life because it acts to reduce discrimination against women which has been the traditional practice and still is by and large. Gender relationships may start with men assuming traditional dominant roles and women being submissive. But the relationship can then move on to the equity model which helps the two partners by reducing the traditional load of expected work on women and can make their relationship more intimate. But the equity model need not be the last phase. The couple can then move into the unity model which affords still more intimacy.
In the unity model there are two possible directions, one valid the other destructive. If equity is given up for unity, which of the two partners should be giving up their equal power under equity? If the woman gives up equity, then the couple falls back into the traditional dominance model they started with in which man dominates woman in socially prescribed ways. On the other hand if the man gives up equity power in decision making, then they move forward to the unity model that leads to greater intimacy, growth, and mutual support. This conclusion will be reviewed in detail in our class discussions throughout the semester. You are not asked to "believe it" but only to review it rationally and come to your own conclusion about it, which may be to agree with it or to disagree. Your grade will not be determined by your agreement or disagreement, but only by the rationality with which you can express your view.
Sensorimotor, Cognitive, and Affective Conjunction
Consider the cognitive and affective domains of gender interaction. For instance, a woman's quality of perceptions of a situation (affective self) contrasts with that of a man, but the difference is such as to be reciprocal with it, if the man accepts the idea that a woman's role is to complement a man's perceptions, so that he feels enriched and empowered by her. But if he feels competitive with her, as in the traditional and equity models, their difference is then nonreciprocal, incompatible, or opposite. Similarly, a woman's cognitive self complements that of a man, which is why they find each other's ideas interesting and stimulating. A man ordinarily resists the idea that the woman who loves him has a deeper perception of his feelings and motivations than he has himself. Women have this greater awareness of feelings than men due to the confluence of biology, socialization, experience, interest, and mental structure. Hence the unity through reciprocity model requires that the man give up equity power and give in to the woman's way of understanding. This means that the man would voluntarily agree to let the woman play the lead role in decision making when it comes to those relationship areas.
For example, a woman might request that her man no longer talk to an old girl friend of his. She feels very strongly about it. She feels from within, as if it was instinct. In other words, she may not be able to give a rational explanation of where it comes from or why she feels so strongly about it. She tells her man all this yet he rejects it because he things differently about it. He feels a certain loyalty to many of his old friends and doesn't want to give that up, especially since she can't explain her request in a way that makes sense to him. He and his old girl friend do not have any romantic feelings for each other so his wife (or current girl friend) should not be jealous. This stand off puts a hold on the relationship. She may not say this to him, and sometimes she may not be clearly aware of it, but within she knows that the relationship has been broken. She hopes it can be amended but for now it's like a broken leg you can't use for walking.
This situation can be better understood if we look at it in more detail as to what's going on. In their relationship the man and the woman are interacting at the three levels of the self: sensorimotor, cognitive, and affective. The process of forming a gender unity involves the conjunction of the threefold self of each partner. The sensorimotor self of the man and the woman are conjoined first as shown by the activities they enjoy doing together--eating, playing, embracing, talking. These activities involve mostly the "external" self of the partners. It is called external because it is easily visible to them and to others like friends, parents, and neighbors. We can call this phase sensorimotor conjunction. In this phase the man often takes the lead and exerts a dominant role. The woman follows in order to keep the relationship going. Her motive is higher than the man's. His motive is to please himself; her motive is to continue the relationship going to a deeper level.
At the same time the cognitive self of the two partners are interacting. At this level of the interaction, the woman takes the lead. She strives to take the man's perspective, to learn his sense of humor, to memorize the details of his life that he reveals, to acquire the reasoning style he uses. Her motive in all this cognitive effort is to harmonize with the man and please him. She understands instinctively, and sometimes explicitly or consciously, that by making him laugh and pleasing him by how she thinks, she will succeed in conjoining the man to herself. The man is normally focused on himself, on his ideas, and he is pleased when she demonstrates that she knows those ideas. He is not thinking of her perspective, while she is constantly trying to analyze his perspective. Obviously, this differential effort and focus gives the woman a superior perception and understanding of the relationship, which is the process of conjoining. This cognitive communication of ideas between them can be called cognitive conjunction.
Cognitive conjunction is more visible than sensorimotor conjunction but less visible than affective conjunction. Long after sensorimotor conjunction has been established, and after cognitive conjunction has been operating for awhile in the relationship, the woman strives even more intensely to conjoin the man to herself at the affective level. She understands from instinct, and sometimes explicitly or consciously, that the relationship won't be perfect until they achieve affective conjunction. This doesn't mean "I love you" even if it is meant sincerely. It means that the man has aligned his feelings with his woman. In other words he has given up his male prerogatives given to him by society and tradition. Society allows a man to retain affective independence from the woman he is married to or has a life partnership with. He is expected to provide for her needs, to support her in her endeavors, and to be decent to her. But he is not expected to become dependent on her for his feelings. He is expected to lover her and be loyal to her, but not to give up his own feelings. Affective independence is the norm for a man in most societies.
In contrast, social and cultural norms require a woman not only to love her mate but to be dependent on him for her feelings. For example, if she loves Italian food and he hates it, she is expected to give up her old loves and adopt his loves. He expects it and sees it as a sign of loyalty to him. If she obeys this expectation, he feels bonding with her. Note that a man feels bonding or conjunction when the woman becomes dependent on him in her threefold self. But this kind of bonding is not true conjunction and cannot lead to unity.
In the region of the heart, woman rises far above the man in perception, understanding, and consciousness. This is the result of her biological, rational, and spiritual nature. Therefore the gender syntax that produces unity involves the man becoming affective dependent on the woman. This runs contrary to his socialization and philosophy, so he puts up enormous resistance--that the woman has to overcome if they are going to achieve unity. Both men and women have three natures or level of operation of life: a biological nature or self, a rational nature or self, and a spiritual nature or self. By the principle of differentiation and reciprocity it is clear that men and women differ in their biological nature, they differ in their rational nature, and they differ in their spiritual nature. Biological differences between them are obvious in the anatomy and appearance of their physical body. Rational differences between men and women result from the reciprocal orientation and focus they each have. A man's cognitive focus is reciprocal to the woman's cognitive focus, and as a result, they can conjoin. To conjoin means that they share parts of it, or all of it.
But sharing doesn't mean that they are similar because a man and a woman have different functions for their thinking. A woman might say or think X and a man might say or think X yet they are not thinking the identical thing. A woman uses thinking in the relationship for the purpose of achieving unity because that's the way she defines herself, while a man uses his thinking for the purpose of retaining independence because that's the way he defines himself. He wants her to give up her cognitive independence and think like him. This is impossible for nothing in a man can be like anything in a woman, and vice versa. On the other hand, he can give up his affective independence so that his thinking now responds not just to his own needs and purposes, but to her needs and purposes as well. In this way the man's thinking is elevated to a new level of consciousness and wisdom. But when he refuses to give up his affective independence, his thinking remains where it has always been, unable to achieve the higher levels of his own humanity. It's obvious therefore that "giving up" affective independence is not losing something but gaining a whole new level of life for him.
When a man is committed to giving up affective independence, he is conjoined to his wife or mate at the inmost or affective level. This is a spiritual conjunction that lasts forever. It has a built in dynamics for opposing disagreements. Not a single disagreement can arise between them no matter what. This is because they have learned a reciprocal style of interacting at all three levels of the self. In this way they are united in their biological nature (e.g., dancing or embracing each other, parenting, owning everything jointly, meeting each other's needs and comforts). And they are united in their rational nature (e.g., compatible opinions, beliefs, justifications, interests). As well, they are united in their spiritual nature (e.g., interdependent feelings, motives, loyalties, values, goals).
Chart of the Three Models in Marriage
The chart shows that there are three succeeding normal phases for achieving unity in a gender relationship. The first phase involves the sensorimotor self of the two partners as the central focus of their relationship. Their affective and cognitive self subordinate themselves to the sensorimotor self as a couple. The get along fine and enjoy each other company, but only so long as they retain focus on the sensorimotor level. For instance, they do things together that involve their physical enjoyment and fun--eating, touching, holding, dancing, driving, playing games, watching movies, listening to music, talking, etc., and sometimes, dealing with children and their immediate physical needs.
In the dominance model the relationship is governed cognitively by tradition and affectively by reward and punishment. The two partners are still only externally conjoined. Their life together as a unique couple centers on what choices they make together at the sensorimotor level. They are not together at the cognitive and affective levels of relationship. They are separated in their thinking and in their feeling. Their thinking is dictated by tradition and family. Their feeling is governed by feeling rewarded or punished by the other one, depending on what happens. It is normal in the traditional model for a man and a woman to make love and feel close, then a few minutes later they can argue about something and express hostility. This proves that they are not united in feeling because when a couple is united in feeling it is impossible for one to express hostility to the other. Hostility separates and destroys internal unity, even if later, it is followed by expressing love. This alternate state of love and hostility marks the typical behavior in the traditional model.
But the two partners can continue to grow into an internal conjunction, which when it takes place, greatly enhances the enjoyment and fun of the sensorimotor level of interaction. Dr. James uses the name equity model to represent this phase because it is a well known model in the relationship literature in psychology. It is also the "modern" outlook that young people in many cultures adopt as a philosophy of relationship between men and women, thereby taking a step away from the traditional dominance model of their elders. In the equity model all responsibilities and duties are shared according to how each couple is willing to arrange it for themselves through negotiation and agreement. This is a cognitive level of conjunction between a man and a woman since the equity philosophy and the arrangement they each make of it, has to be negotiated by arguments as to why one partner should do X and Y and the other partner should do A and B.
The equity model is essentially a political power agreement. It tends to create similar ideas and beliefs in the two partners, a similar reasoning process. This cognitive conjunction makes the sensorimotor interaction better than before. They get along better, agree more, can talk it out and influence each other's thinking and decisions. Because of this their sensorimotor interactions are more compatible--they enlarge and diversify their physical activities and enjoyment of each other. But they still argue. The woman still gets abused from time to time when the man decides to explode or take a stance that hurts her. The man still resists and resents the woman's attempt to influence him, to change his traits and habits that she finds are in the way of a still closer relationship. There is one more phase the woman wants and needs--their affective conjunction. This would create unity, for which a woman craves for instinctively, biologically, consciously, knowingly.
The third and inmost phase of conjunction achieves unity and greatly improves the cognitive and sensorimotor interactions. Not only are the two partners engaged in their sensorimotor and cognitive self, but now they at last become engaged in their affective self--their feelings and motivations. This level of conjunction is not possible without both partners abandoning the prior two models. The focus at this third level must be the affective self, and the other two are then consequences of this inmost conjunction. By abandoning the traditional dominance model, the man no longer sees himself as entitled to being treated in a certain way by the woman. Then, by abandoning the equity model, a man no longer sees equal power and responsibility as a good focus for their relationship. The equity focus leads to disagreements, and even the agreements may not be fully suitable to the woman. Instead the man now adopts a new philosophy or model for their relationship.
He understands rationally that gender unity is based on differentiation of traits that are reciprocal. This is not something to be negotiated about but recognized and lived. The man begins to see that his affections or loves--what he likes and dislikes, are often incompatible with what his wife's affections--what she likes and dislikes. For example, he would like to keep his male friends even after his wife shows her opposition because she doesn't like the influence they have on him, which is to cause a separation between her and her husband. He resists by denying that they are having a bad influence, or by insisting that marriage doesn't mean that everything that came prior must stop, or by accusing her of being over controlling or jealous. By means of this resistance to her, the man is able to keep separate from her at the affective level. Their relationship remains at the equity or traditional dominance level and cannot grow inward.
The man can think rationally and figure it out, and he can decide to give up his affective independence. Now he has a new rule for himself: He will keep himself from ever disagreeing with her about any of her demands, requests, pleadings, urgings, or expectations. He can see rationally that by doing this they can form a unity, which will then greatly enhance their cognitive and sensorimotor interactions. The resistance is enormous and it takes years of effort for a man to stop relapsing into the equity or traditional dominance mode of interacting with his wife.
You can practice observing couples, yourself in a couple and other couples, to try to determine the level of their conjunction and interaction. Observe their mode of talking. When they tell a story for instance, is there competition as to who tells it, and especially, does the man interrupt the woman and take over? This is a symptom of couples operating at a traditional dominance or equity models. Observe what they say. Does the man contradict what the woman says, or does he make her lose face by some other way? Is there conflict between them? Does he get mad and yell or pout? Does he walk away to cool off and stays away out of anger and inability to come together at the cognitive or affective level? Does he insist on his own prerogatives as a man? Does he leave her to do his own thing with his friends, leaving her behind? Does he insist or put pressure on her to do this or that she doesn't want to? In the rare occasions where you'll observe a couple in the unity phase the interaction is very different. There is never any anger, hostility, disagreement, or bickering between them. They are united from the affective level outward to the cognitive and the sensorimotor. You're observing their sensorimotor interaction -- physical actions and talk -- but from these one can infer to some extent their quality of their cognitive and affective levels of interaction.
Note that the traditional dominance and equity models have to do with gender politics in power sharing. In contrast, the unity model is organic and has to do with reciprocity and mutuality. For instance, the human body is organically a whole, a unit functioning as one person. This organic unity is achieved not by the power differentiation of which organs or body parts are more powerful or equally powerful. Rather, it is the reciprocal and mutual dependence of differentiated parts, each part functioning at its unique best, and contributing to the whole.
What are relationship areas where the woman should lead in the unity model? These include all the areas in which a man is motivated by feelings he does not clearly recognize. His thinking and his acting are yet determined by these hidden motivations and feelings. The woman can perceive which of the man's feelings are competitive with her or even hostile to her. She can feel it through her reactions to his actions. In the traditional dominance and equity models the man reserves the right to say No! to the woman's perceptions and intuitions, even if she pleads with him to listen to her. But in the unity model he officially recognizes that she has perceptions of their relationship details that promote their unity, while he does not. Recognizing this, he voluntarily submits to her pleadings, urgings, demands, requests, suggestions, and expectations. And in this way he becomes the man she can be united with forever. But if he reserves the right to pick and choose when he will listen to her and when not, then they cannot achieve full unity of the threefold self.
In the marriage relationship the husband at first feels independent of his wife in terms of his cognitive and affective self. He loves the woman, spends time with her, and they do activities together, like going out, eating, running a house, etc. This joint activity unites them in the external sensorimotor self. But he maintains separate thoughts and attitudes and resists her attempts to modify them. They are not united internally at the cognitive level, and even less in the inmost or affective level. But as the relationship grows deeper, the husband allows his thinking to be influenced by his wife so that they may achieve unity at the cognitive level. He tries not to disagree with her and to go along with her requests or demands. Later he can grow enough to be able to give up his independence at the affective level so that he elevates her motivations and perceptions above his own. He allows her feelings to rule his thoughts and actions. Normally a man resists moving in this direction, but unless he does, he remains independent of her in his feelings. Since feelings ultimately determine thinking and doing, the unity of the couple cannot be achieved in the internal plane unless the affective self is unified.
When this occurs, the two partners of the couple have become one. You can see that a unit (or "oneness") formed by a couple is a higher form of human life than an individual by himself or herself. The unit of a single individual is based on selfism, even if the individual is compassionate and charitable, since the individual's self is the unit. But the unit made by a couple is higher in human functioning because it is based on the other, not the self. Mutual love and community elevate the individual into a higher form of life marked by happiness through altruism rather happiness through selfism. In the same way couples can vary in terms of perfectly the twp partners are united--external (sensorimotor), internal (cognitive), and inmost (affective). The most perfect unit is formed when the two partners are united at all three levels. This is then a permanent unit that lasts into the eternal future or "heaven."
It may seem that the model of unity gives unequal status to the man and the woman, and that the man seems to be blamed for everything that doesn't function just right in the couple. Actually, there is no blame involved in this model, but it is correct to say that the three models assign different role behaviors to the couple. The dominance model assigns a dominant role to the man and a submissive role to the woman in all the areas defined by culture. The equity model assigns equal power and responsibility in the relationship so that the couple has to negotiate power sharing arrangements and decision making areas. The unity model assigns a dominant role to the woman, but note well: This dominance is not at all the same thing as the dominance of a man in the traditional dominance model. The dominance of the woman in the unity model is exercised by the man's own voluntary submission to the wife's affections and motivations. At any moment he can decide to withdraw his consent to her dominance, and she no longer has an influence on him. He does what he wants.
But then he must come back and start again with her, giving her the dominance out his voluntary consent. She has no power to retain dominance when he doesn't feel like giving consent. In the traditional dominance model this not the case, since the woman cannot withdraw her consent but is forced by tradition, society, and husband to go along with the male dominant arrangement. This is why the unity model works. It is based on the man's rational understanding that she can see things that he cannot see, and therefore it is a matter of trust and compliance to her vision and motivation. If he cannot see this by rational understanding, he will maintain relationship at the traditional dominance or equity level.
In order to achieve internal
unity with his wife, a husband has to acknowledge all the ways he keeps himself
affectively separate from his wife, or all the ways he resists complete
internal unity with her. To help in this self-witnessing task, Dr. James made a
long list of "confessions" of those behaviors he observed himself
doing in the relationship with his wife over a twenty-year period. The list of
over 100 items can be inspected here:
As you go through the items try to see which area of the threefold self they involve (affective, cognitive, or sensorimotor) and what your experience has been with yourself (if you are male) or with the men you have known (if you are female). In other words, to what extent would you (as a man) or would your man (as a woman) admit to these behaviors? In what way are these behaviors contrary to the principle of unity by reciprocity and differentiation? The answer to this question is discussed in the Readings below, especially the articles on gender relationships, Category 1.
Behavioral Indicators of One's Relationship Model
The table below shows some contrastive elements that differentiates the three models of gender relationship.
This type of contrastive analysis shows that the dominance model has an 84% overlap in answers with the equity model but only 16% overlap with the unity model. Similarly the equity model has only a 16% overlap with the unity model. This shows that the unity model is most different from the other two.
Textbook
The Essential Feminine by Dandridge Pendleton Masculine and Feminine by George H. Woodard The Revolt of Woman by W.L. Gladish The Difference between the Sexes from Divine
Revelation and from Experience by Sarah Headsten Feminine Wisdom by Erik Sandström, Sr. and
comments by Linda Simonetti Odhner and Leon James Paradigm Shift and the Issue of Women in the
Clergy By Vera Goodenough Dyck Doctrine of the Wife for Husbands: A
Spiritual Practice for Achieving Unity -- Part 1 by Leon James Doctrine of the Wife for Husbands: A
Spiritual Practice for Achieving Unity -- Part 2 by Leon James Doctrine of the Wife for Husbands: A
Spiritual Practice for Achieving Unity -- Part 3 by Leon James The Doctrine of the Wife (Chapter 9) by Leon
James |
